happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
