I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
