So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
