I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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