took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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