i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
