She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I wear drunk well.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
