I wish I could teleport
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
