I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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