So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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