I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
