I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
