I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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