goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
