no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
