Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
