i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
