I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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