She is in my trunk
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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