Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
