That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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