just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
