just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
