dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
