My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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