I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
