I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
