u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
