All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
