just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
