you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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