life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
