he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
