i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
