Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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