guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize