I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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