Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize