then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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