i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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