Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
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