I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
BRING THE BAGELS
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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