for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
