ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
