last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
