I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
