Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
