I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
