My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
