Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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