I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
