When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
