just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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