I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
