my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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