it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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