You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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