wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
