Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
