You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
did you just send me my own nude
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize