She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
